MY PAIN! MY HAPPINESS!

 To one fool of a dreamer, reality truly doesn't give a damn about your feelings and that's deep. The cruel reality of knowing so much of your life had been wasted on sincerely loving someone. I'm sitting on my bed with my back against the wall. My pillow wedging my lower back to avert the pain from sitting with a bad posture. I look up at the ceiling to see if I could set my eyes away from the obvious, as though staring at the ceiling would stop me from seeing into my heart. Its some minutes past 11pm and I can't seem to find the grace to sleep or the strength to read my soft copy of "A Game of Thrones" on my tab. I find my hands clutching my chest to see if in doing so I can find a way to ease the pain I feel there. The heart is definitely located in the left thoracic region but how can it be that something so intangible can exert so much pain on the physiology of this organ. I take deep breaths to see if I can ease the stress my feelings impound on my left chest. The task is entirely herculean and I can't help but watch my mind take a walk down the cold conversation I had just finished with her on the phone. "...why are you doing this to me? Why don't you have time for me anymore" I had said, mustering every muscle in my chest to say those words as audible as I could. "I don't have your time now that's why". Her voice was calm and indifferent. I could feel the bluntness with which those words were served as she stressed the syllable in the 'now' in our pigin dialect. They had served purpose, piercing my heart with that icy cold blade that would freeze it and make breathing difficult.

 I strayed my eyes over my large mattress with the red bed sheet well laid over it and my clothes scattered all over the top of the sheet. Nothing I would see would help me find solace. I looked up to the ceiling still clenching my chest as though I would hold my heart from imagining the rest of the horror that had followed after that conversation. Now I can't stop it. I can feel hot tears roll down my cheeks, trickle down my chin and drop to my chest. Its inevitable. It can't be helped. I no longer have a beating heart. Its been harshly replaced by an icebox and I can feel the numbness swell within me. I love her, but is this how I ought to feel for Christ sake?

 No one can see me now. No one can see the pain that holds me. No one would ever witness how breathless I had been to know she was that tired of me and yet she wouldn't be bold enough to tell it to me in person rather than make suffer a bit longer in anguish. I rolled all over the floor, clenched my chest again and, with difficulty, gasped for fresh air to see to it that my sobs were not loud enough to get someone's attention in the house. I cried hard, and loud too, though loud enough for my heart to know; if only the peace of the night would let me. How can someone I've sacrificed so much for hurt me like this?

 Suddenly I stopped blank in between insanity and shear solace. Then I found a grin on my teeth as those powerful words I had learn from my love for fictional characters took form in my thoughts. "Pain is inevitable... suffering is optional". The inevitable had happened. Yet choice had not been wrested from able hands. The good we do in life often gets rewarded with evil. "I've just spent 563 days loving someone who I had supported to become a better soul. Now all she could reward my love with was pain". The task was simple: new girl, new heart. After all she's not the first to leave a scar this huge in my chest. I pray she never finds peace and may my blood she spilled haunt her for the rest of her not so miserable life.

 So I picked up my tab and did what calms me the most. I got down to the cold floor of my rug carpet, stark naked in the cold of the night and typed. The tears on my cheeks already dried after so much weeping. I looked at the clock on the bottom right corner of the screen, 00:40 GMT. I tapped meticulously at my screen, with the click sound of the keyboard breaking the gaping silence of the room as my last words ended the foul feelings of the night I had been doomed to. It was the lesson every single girl that had ever broken my heart had tried to teach me. A lesson never more absorbed and appreciated. I finished those last words in bold letters on my screen prior going to bed with a smile on my face:

"I no longer believe in love...only happiness"