LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD continues. Read on...

 The story continues...

In life we seek to hear from God, a sign as the Jews sought for in the days of the prophets, yet when we are presented by these signs we are too blinded by our own fears and doubts that we fail to see the handwriting on the wall. Such a beauty it was to have seen God touch down on earth to complicate our lives by giving us blessings disguised in the form of crosses that we can bear. Such a jolly it would have been to face the world  bearing each others crosses and atoning for our sins as well as the sins of many by diligently going through life with the burden of an "unexpected" pregnancy. Yes "unexpected" is the word and not unwanted because I know how much I wanted you. I know how much I always wondered if I would ever have you. I know how many dreams I had hoped would come true when you came and I would have lived up to expectations as a father and husband. I prayed for a day you would come but I never expected you to come so soon.

 Your arrival, a blessing, our perception of it, a nightmare. I would never forget how dumbstruck I was when she sent message to my facebook inbox  "...I'm pregnant". You see I am a very knowledgeable Catholic and I knew the meaning of your arrival in our lives. There was a fleeting  feeling of excitement and joy about having a child, which at the moment of impact was repressed by anxiety and apathy. I was bewildered at the thought of how heavy this special cross would come to become. The prospects I had planned for life dawning into a harsh and difficult reality. My soul was in an uproar, my body was distorted, my spirit was broken yet my will was the only thing that remained intact, but only for a while. As all evil thoughts would sip their way into the heart of man, I was forced to look away from the reality of bearing a cross as Christ urges us to and I started to see what the world would see. You see our love for you was immediately jeopardised by our fear for the world. 'How would we cope? Can I even feed myself talk less of her and a baby? How do we tell it to her mum and my parents that she's pregnant? How do we face the shame of being young adults, unmarried and having a baby? What would people think of me? How much of me would they ridicule and call stupid? How would she bear the stigma of being in school, single and pregnant? How would she cope with studies and go for antenatal? Where would she stay during the duration of her pregnancy?' Then more depressing thoughts continued to flood my mind. 'Why me? How can so much be expected of me and then I would be so callous and get a girl pregnant? Am I so blind that I haven't learnt anything from the mistakes of others? Would her mother not kill her if she found out she was pregnant? She's the first daughter of her family. What kind of example would she be to the others? Is this a reality or could I not but make of this to be a living hell?' I spent days waking up to hope it was all a dream and the nightmare would go away but every time I open my eyes I find your presence as real as mine to me.

 In all these questions that continued to surge through my brain, my fears had succeeded in making me lose sight of the new member of this relationship, you my dear son. I never asked how you would feel to be a part of my world. I never wondered what your role in this relationship was to become. I never saw the possibilities of you bringing I and your mum closer to each other. I never looked at how having you would have been an opportunity to depend more on God. I had forgotten all these and sought the alternative route to my cross. I had already made possible arrangements to hide my perceived "sins" rather than live with the consequences of it. I sought a means around it rather than face it as I would a bull by its horns.

 You see your arrival into my life challenged all I ever believed in as a Catholic. I knew for certain that D&C was not an option and was never the solution for my problems. I had almost totally closed my heart to your dignity as a human until she came back with the scan results. I would never forget the doctor's report: 'foetus with cardiomuscular activity' nor would I forget the due date I was supposed to expect your nativity on this earth. 'My baby already had a heart and blood vessels, it's alive'. For a split second I thought of a very clear and sunny morning of October. The cool afternoon breeze hitting the top of my head as I peer down at my wrist watch to see the time read 1200hrs GMT, while I wait for the doctor to come out and confirm the birth of my child. It would have been a beautiful 28th day of the month to never forget. But then I brushed off the thought and focused on getting the entire procedure done. There were many other instances where I could have harkened to the voice of God in my friends yet I chose to look at the perceived big picture of getting back to a normal life rather than having shared one with you in it. April 11, 2013, it was a Thursday and your mother had come back from the scan. You were twelve weeks and five days. We had made you without knowing and you were conceived on that wonderful Saturday of January 12, 2013. We were basking in love that day, having recovered from our relationship issues without holding back one bit of romance as we made up. I remember the smile on or mum's face when I watched her eat up her bowl of catfish pepper soup. We had a normal life. Friday, April 12, 2013, you were only twelve weeks and six days and we had condemned you to death with our own hands. You, the first soul we had ever owned, yet the first soul whose life we would take with our own hands in full consent. Had we not become what I had feared the most? Isn't it for certain that we had become murderers and we would live with it forever?

To be continued... 

The letter concludes in the next post. I hope you all can reflect on the Love between the father and his unborn child. Its quintessential to understanding the story behind the letter. 

Thank you as u read. Bless yo